My Story
Transformed by Love and Beauty
My Journey back to God
My Journey back to God
Happy Buddhist
“I am convinced that neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons; neither the present nor the future; nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God …” [Romans 8:38,39]
I had been happily running a small Buddhist Centre for nearly a decade. I was happy as a Buddhist, and had no intentions of changing religions again. However, God had other plans for me … One day a man approached me while I was walking on the beach. “Are you the lady who runs the Buddhist Centre?” he asked. I replied that I was, and he then introduced himself as Fr Johan, the Catholic priest. He said he would like to come and have tea with me and chat about India, as he was going there on a pilgrimage soon. This was the start of a beautiful friendship, and part of God’s plan to bring me back to Christianity, the religion of my birth, from which I had been estranged for many years.
At a fairly young age, I had become disillusioned with life, and angry with God, the Creator of it all. There were so many questions that I could not find satisfactory answers to: Why were we here? What was the purpose of life? Why was there so much suffering in the world? Why was I suffering? Why didn’t God seem to care? Why didn’t he do something to help? I got really angry when I was told that God loved me and sent his only Son Jesus to save me. I didn’t feel God’s love and I certainly didn’t feel “saved”. In any event, what was I being saved from? I didn’t believe in eternal hell, and judging us after one short life, and then sending us to heaven or hell for all eternity didn’t make sense to me. The God that I grew up with seemed more like a God of wrath and judgment, than a God of forgiveness and love. If that was how God was, I didn’t want or need Him in my life. I also didn’t want to wait till the end of my life to experience God’s goodness, grace and mercy. What about now? I needed “saving” now, and mostly from myself, and how was Jesus going to do this? It all seemed like an unbelievable theory that we were told to “have faith in” and everything would be ok. I guess my faith wasn’t strong enough to override my doubts and questions.
So I became an atheist, and shut God out of my life. Then I became a Buddhist, and this helped me to make sense of my world in a way that I could accept. God wasn’t judging us and punishing us. Everything happened according to the Law of Karma. We were responsible for creating our own happiness and suffering. It was our own actions in the past that determined what would happen to us in the future: as you sew, so shall you reap. This gave us control over our destiny: if we didn’t want to suffer, we had to stop creating the causes for suffering, and Buddhism taught us how to do this. Suddenly it seemed like there was purpose and meaning in life. Life began to make sense, and new hope was born within me. We weren’t just like puppets with somebody else pulling the strings. We had the power within ourselves to create a happy life, and this depended largely on the state of our minds. And Buddhism taught the “how to do this”. I had learnt that money and success and material things didn’t bring happiness. So I devoted myself to studying and practicing Buddhism, and I didn’t miss God at all.
“I am convinced that neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons; neither the present nor the future; nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God …” [Romans 8:38,39]
I had been happily running a small Buddhist Centre for nearly a decade. I was happy as a Buddhist, and had no intentions of changing religions again. However, God had other plans for me … One day a man approached me while I was walking on the beach. “Are you the lady who runs the Buddhist Centre?” he asked. I replied that I was, and he then introduced himself as Fr Johan, the Catholic priest. He said he would like to come and have tea with me and chat about India, as he was going there on a pilgrimage soon. This was the start of a beautiful friendship, and part of God’s plan to bring me back to Christianity, the religion of my birth, from which I had been estranged for many years.
At a fairly young age, I had become disillusioned with life, and angry with God, the Creator of it all. There were so many questions that I could not find satisfactory answers to: Why were we here? What was the purpose of life? Why was there so much suffering in the world? Why was I suffering? Why didn’t God seem to care? Why didn’t he do something to help? I got really angry when I was told that God loved me and sent his only Son Jesus to save me. I didn’t feel God’s love and I certainly didn’t feel “saved”. In any event, what was I being saved from? I didn’t believe in eternal hell, and judging us after one short life, and then sending us to heaven or hell for all eternity didn’t make sense to me. The God that I grew up with seemed more like a God of wrath and judgment, than a God of forgiveness and love. If that was how God was, I didn’t want or need Him in my life. I also didn’t want to wait till the end of my life to experience God’s goodness, grace and mercy. What about now? I needed “saving” now, and mostly from myself, and how was Jesus going to do this? It all seemed like an unbelievable theory that we were told to “have faith in” and everything would be ok. I guess my faith wasn’t strong enough to override my doubts and questions.
So I became an atheist, and shut God out of my life. Then I became a Buddhist, and this helped me to make sense of my world in a way that I could accept. God wasn’t judging us and punishing us. Everything happened according to the Law of Karma. We were responsible for creating our own happiness and suffering. It was our own actions in the past that determined what would happen to us in the future: as you sew, so shall you reap. This gave us control over our destiny: if we didn’t want to suffer, we had to stop creating the causes for suffering, and Buddhism taught us how to do this. Suddenly it seemed like there was purpose and meaning in life. Life began to make sense, and new hope was born within me. We weren’t just like puppets with somebody else pulling the strings. We had the power within ourselves to create a happy life, and this depended largely on the state of our minds. And Buddhism taught the “how to do this”. I had learnt that money and success and material things didn’t bring happiness. So I devoted myself to studying and practicing Buddhism, and I didn’t miss God at all.
God Intervenes
“I have called you by name, you are mine.
You are precious in my sight, and honored,
And I love you.
Bring my sons from far away,
And my daughters from the end of the earth,
Everyone who is called by my name
Whom I created for my glory,
Whom I formed and made.”
[Isaiah 43:1-7]
But then this Catholic priest came into my life. And we became close friends. And he talked and talked and talked about the Love of God. And I could see that he was genuine and he really felt the Love of God. My curiosity was aroused. Was there really a loving God after all? I so badly wanted to be loved. And to know that I was loved. The desire to love and be loved is one of the deepest desires of the human soul, because we were created in Love and for Love. So I started to listen to what he was saying. I started to go to Church again. In the beginning I hated it. I would come home in a bad mood, and my husband would say: “How was church?” I would reply: “Don’t ask!” But I sensed there was something worthwhile there. I could see that other people had connected to it, even though I hadn’t, so I carried on going. Something (and it wasn’t me) was pulling me. It could only have been God drawing me back to Himself. And it didn’t happen overnight – it took time. I had hardened my heart against God, and it took a couple of years to break down the anger, the resistance, and the barriers that I had built against God and against Christianity. But I persevered. And God persevered.
“Today if you hear His voice,
Harden not your hearts, as you did in the rebellion,
in the time of testing in the wilderness.” [Hebrews 3:8]
“I have called you by name, you are mine.
You are precious in my sight, and honored,
And I love you.
Bring my sons from far away,
And my daughters from the end of the earth,
Everyone who is called by my name
Whom I created for my glory,
Whom I formed and made.”
[Isaiah 43:1-7]
But then this Catholic priest came into my life. And we became close friends. And he talked and talked and talked about the Love of God. And I could see that he was genuine and he really felt the Love of God. My curiosity was aroused. Was there really a loving God after all? I so badly wanted to be loved. And to know that I was loved. The desire to love and be loved is one of the deepest desires of the human soul, because we were created in Love and for Love. So I started to listen to what he was saying. I started to go to Church again. In the beginning I hated it. I would come home in a bad mood, and my husband would say: “How was church?” I would reply: “Don’t ask!” But I sensed there was something worthwhile there. I could see that other people had connected to it, even though I hadn’t, so I carried on going. Something (and it wasn’t me) was pulling me. It could only have been God drawing me back to Himself. And it didn’t happen overnight – it took time. I had hardened my heart against God, and it took a couple of years to break down the anger, the resistance, and the barriers that I had built against God and against Christianity. But I persevered. And God persevered.
“Today if you hear His voice,
Harden not your hearts, as you did in the rebellion,
in the time of testing in the wilderness.” [Hebrews 3:8]
Sat Chit Anand
“In our searching for God, we discover that God is searching for us. Truth is like a circle. We come to the place from where we started. We are marching towards the end and returning to the beginning … When we find God, God finds us. The Kingdom of God is the experience of finding God and being found by God.” [Br John Martin Sahajananda: You are the Light]
God allows us to go on a journey that seems to take us away from Him. He allows us to be prodigal sons and daughters. And sometimes this is necessary. We are often indoctrinated by our religion. We are born into a religion and are told from an early age what to do: “You must love and obey God.” But some of us rebel, and God allows us to rebel, because He wants us to come to him in freedom. God never wishes to impose Himself upon us against our free choice. God wants us to want Him, as much as He wants us. And he patiently waits for us. After all, He has all eternity. We who are living in time, only see the part of the journey that we are presently travelling, but God knows the end from the beginning. And some things only make sense to us when looking back, like why did I call our Spiritual Retreat Centre SAT CHIT ANAND?
“The Lord says: I will lead you in the way you must go.” [Isaiah 48:17]
The meaning and significance of this name only became apparent to me much later, when I visited an ashram in India with the same name. Fr Johan went to South India and stayed in a monastery founded by a Catholic priest by the name of Fr Bede Griffiths, who spent the latter half of his life in India. He encouraged me to visit an ashram where Fr Bede lived until he died, called SAT-CHI-ANANDA, which I duly did. I had been to India many times, and mostly stayed in Buddhist monasteries and retreat centres. This was the first time that I stayed in a Hindu-Christian ashram and it opened my eyes to see Christianity in a new way. SAT-CHI-ANANDA Ashram was also called the Ashram of the Holy Trinity. The name means Being-Consciousness-Bliss. It is a Sanskrit name for the Godhead, and a symbol of the three persons of the Christian Trinity.
“SAT CHIT ANANDA is the name for the godhead. SAT is being, the ground of all. CHIT is consciousness, and ANANDA is bliss. Being, consciousness, and bliss. It relates to the Christian trinity: The Father is the source of all, the ground of being, the Ultimate. The Son is the wisdom of the Father, the self-revelation, the self-expression of the Father, the consciousness of the One. And the Holy Spirit is the ananda, bliss of love, which flows from this communion of being and knowledge. It is a beautiful conception: SAT CHIT ANANDA. Within the depths of reality, of consciousness, there is a communion of love. So you can develop from SAT CHIT ANANDA to a very profound sense of the Trinity as - interpersonal love is the Ultimate Reality. [Fr Bede Griffiths]
The name was chosen to show its connection with the Hindu search for God – the quest of the Absolute – which has inspired monastic life in India from the earliest times, and to connect this quest to the Christian experience of God in the mystery of the Holy Trinity. Among the gifts given by God to India, the greatest is seen to be that of interiority, the awareness of the presence of God dwelling in the heart of every human person and of every creature, which is fostered by prayer and meditation, by contemplative silence, and the practice of yoga and sannyasa. The aim of the Ashram was to bring into Christian life the riches of Indian spirituality, and to share in that profound experience of God, which has come down to us through a continual succession of sages and holy men and women.
The Second Vatican Council, in its declaration on non-Christian religions, declares that: “The Church rejects nothing that is true and holy in these religions”, and encourages Catholics to “recognize, preserve, and promote the spiritual and moral values as well as the social and cultural values to be found among them.”
The Ashram is part of the Camaldolese branch of the Benedictine Order. Fr Bede passed away in 1993, and when I visited the Ashram, a monk by the name of Br Martin was Spiritual Director. He is a Benedictine monk of the Camaldolese branch. St Benedict is the father of Western monasticism. Benediction means blessing, and monk is “monos” in Greek which means one – striving for oneness in love. The Ashram was a meeting place for people of all religions or none, who were genuinely seeking God. It was a place of prayer, a place where people could experience the reality of the presence of God in their lives: “The aim of all meditation is to pass beyond the limits of rational consciousness and awaken to the indwelling presence of God. People are no longer satisfied with theories about God and want direct experience, through meditation or contemplative prayer, which leads to the one reality beyond all, and that is common to all religions.” [Father Bede]
“O God, you are my God, for you I long, for you my soul is thirsting.
My body pines for you like a dry weary land without water.
So I gaze on you in the sanctuary to see your strength and your glory.
For your love is better than life, my lips will speak your praise.
So I will bless you all my life, in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul shall be filled as with a banquet …”
[Psalm 63:1-5]
The Hindu scriptures were like poetry to my ears.
“In this city of Brahman there is a dwelling in the form of a lotus flower, and within it there is an inner space. One should search for that which is within that inner space; it is that which one should desire to know.
As far as the vast space outside, extends the space within the heart. Within it, indeed, are contained both heaven and earth, all is contained within it.
It is the Atman (God), free from evil, free from old age and death, free from sorrow, free from hunger and thirst – this is the Atman (God), whose desires are truth; whose purpose is truth.”
Inside the lotus is a small space. Inside that space all is contained. This space unites us with God who is all in all. We are invited to make this inner journey and discover this unity. A person is hard-hearted, until God makes him fall in love with the Divine. God takes his heart and kneads it like dough until it is soft. I was starting to fall in love with God …
“A new heart I will give you,
and a new spirit I will put within you:
I will remove from you your heart of stone,
and I will give you an heart of flesh.” [Ezekiel 36:26]
My heart opened and I fell into that vast expanse of open space that contains all things. I wrote in my diary: “I feel expansiveness and Love. I feel so blessed to be here. Thank you God, thank you, thank you, thank you. Words fail me. Your Love is vast and all-pervasive, and so is my heart and mind. I feel space within me and without, and silent and peaceful love. I WILL SING FOREVER THE GLORY OF THE LORD! How people can delight in worldly pleasures, when delight in the Divine is heavenly. My soul rejoices in God’s beauty which fills me with sublime joy. Praise be to God!”
“You are being flooded by Divine Grace! You have a lot of faith in the Love and Goodness of God and respond with much love. Those who live in love live in God. Blessed are those who love God. They will rejoice in His peace. [Tobit 13]” [SMS from Fr Johan]
“Jesus is life, and life is movement. Life is moving towards the destiny of every person, a destiny in which our temporal state finds its final consummation with God. Human life is created to run towards God, to encounter death and become one with God … To know God is to be in union with God and to experience the mystery of his Divine Love. It is always springtime in the heart of a person who loves God.” [Br Martin: You are the Light]
“Know him to be enshrined within your heart always.
Truly there is nothing more to know in life.
Meditate and realize the world is filled
With the presence of God.
The true self (God) is hidden in the hearts of all.
Realize the self (God) in the depths of meditation –
The Lord of Love, the supreme reality
Who is the goal of all knowledge.”
[Shvetashvatara Upanishad: The River of God]
This was what I was missing in Buddhism, and what I had now found: the LOVE AT THE HEART OF THE TRINITY.
“In our searching for God, we discover that God is searching for us. Truth is like a circle. We come to the place from where we started. We are marching towards the end and returning to the beginning … When we find God, God finds us. The Kingdom of God is the experience of finding God and being found by God.” [Br John Martin Sahajananda: You are the Light]
God allows us to go on a journey that seems to take us away from Him. He allows us to be prodigal sons and daughters. And sometimes this is necessary. We are often indoctrinated by our religion. We are born into a religion and are told from an early age what to do: “You must love and obey God.” But some of us rebel, and God allows us to rebel, because He wants us to come to him in freedom. God never wishes to impose Himself upon us against our free choice. God wants us to want Him, as much as He wants us. And he patiently waits for us. After all, He has all eternity. We who are living in time, only see the part of the journey that we are presently travelling, but God knows the end from the beginning. And some things only make sense to us when looking back, like why did I call our Spiritual Retreat Centre SAT CHIT ANAND?
“The Lord says: I will lead you in the way you must go.” [Isaiah 48:17]
The meaning and significance of this name only became apparent to me much later, when I visited an ashram in India with the same name. Fr Johan went to South India and stayed in a monastery founded by a Catholic priest by the name of Fr Bede Griffiths, who spent the latter half of his life in India. He encouraged me to visit an ashram where Fr Bede lived until he died, called SAT-CHI-ANANDA, which I duly did. I had been to India many times, and mostly stayed in Buddhist monasteries and retreat centres. This was the first time that I stayed in a Hindu-Christian ashram and it opened my eyes to see Christianity in a new way. SAT-CHI-ANANDA Ashram was also called the Ashram of the Holy Trinity. The name means Being-Consciousness-Bliss. It is a Sanskrit name for the Godhead, and a symbol of the three persons of the Christian Trinity.
“SAT CHIT ANANDA is the name for the godhead. SAT is being, the ground of all. CHIT is consciousness, and ANANDA is bliss. Being, consciousness, and bliss. It relates to the Christian trinity: The Father is the source of all, the ground of being, the Ultimate. The Son is the wisdom of the Father, the self-revelation, the self-expression of the Father, the consciousness of the One. And the Holy Spirit is the ananda, bliss of love, which flows from this communion of being and knowledge. It is a beautiful conception: SAT CHIT ANANDA. Within the depths of reality, of consciousness, there is a communion of love. So you can develop from SAT CHIT ANANDA to a very profound sense of the Trinity as - interpersonal love is the Ultimate Reality. [Fr Bede Griffiths]
The name was chosen to show its connection with the Hindu search for God – the quest of the Absolute – which has inspired monastic life in India from the earliest times, and to connect this quest to the Christian experience of God in the mystery of the Holy Trinity. Among the gifts given by God to India, the greatest is seen to be that of interiority, the awareness of the presence of God dwelling in the heart of every human person and of every creature, which is fostered by prayer and meditation, by contemplative silence, and the practice of yoga and sannyasa. The aim of the Ashram was to bring into Christian life the riches of Indian spirituality, and to share in that profound experience of God, which has come down to us through a continual succession of sages and holy men and women.
The Second Vatican Council, in its declaration on non-Christian religions, declares that: “The Church rejects nothing that is true and holy in these religions”, and encourages Catholics to “recognize, preserve, and promote the spiritual and moral values as well as the social and cultural values to be found among them.”
The Ashram is part of the Camaldolese branch of the Benedictine Order. Fr Bede passed away in 1993, and when I visited the Ashram, a monk by the name of Br Martin was Spiritual Director. He is a Benedictine monk of the Camaldolese branch. St Benedict is the father of Western monasticism. Benediction means blessing, and monk is “monos” in Greek which means one – striving for oneness in love. The Ashram was a meeting place for people of all religions or none, who were genuinely seeking God. It was a place of prayer, a place where people could experience the reality of the presence of God in their lives: “The aim of all meditation is to pass beyond the limits of rational consciousness and awaken to the indwelling presence of God. People are no longer satisfied with theories about God and want direct experience, through meditation or contemplative prayer, which leads to the one reality beyond all, and that is common to all religions.” [Father Bede]
“O God, you are my God, for you I long, for you my soul is thirsting.
My body pines for you like a dry weary land without water.
So I gaze on you in the sanctuary to see your strength and your glory.
For your love is better than life, my lips will speak your praise.
So I will bless you all my life, in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul shall be filled as with a banquet …”
[Psalm 63:1-5]
The Hindu scriptures were like poetry to my ears.
“In this city of Brahman there is a dwelling in the form of a lotus flower, and within it there is an inner space. One should search for that which is within that inner space; it is that which one should desire to know.
As far as the vast space outside, extends the space within the heart. Within it, indeed, are contained both heaven and earth, all is contained within it.
It is the Atman (God), free from evil, free from old age and death, free from sorrow, free from hunger and thirst – this is the Atman (God), whose desires are truth; whose purpose is truth.”
Inside the lotus is a small space. Inside that space all is contained. This space unites us with God who is all in all. We are invited to make this inner journey and discover this unity. A person is hard-hearted, until God makes him fall in love with the Divine. God takes his heart and kneads it like dough until it is soft. I was starting to fall in love with God …
“A new heart I will give you,
and a new spirit I will put within you:
I will remove from you your heart of stone,
and I will give you an heart of flesh.” [Ezekiel 36:26]
My heart opened and I fell into that vast expanse of open space that contains all things. I wrote in my diary: “I feel expansiveness and Love. I feel so blessed to be here. Thank you God, thank you, thank you, thank you. Words fail me. Your Love is vast and all-pervasive, and so is my heart and mind. I feel space within me and without, and silent and peaceful love. I WILL SING FOREVER THE GLORY OF THE LORD! How people can delight in worldly pleasures, when delight in the Divine is heavenly. My soul rejoices in God’s beauty which fills me with sublime joy. Praise be to God!”
“You are being flooded by Divine Grace! You have a lot of faith in the Love and Goodness of God and respond with much love. Those who live in love live in God. Blessed are those who love God. They will rejoice in His peace. [Tobit 13]” [SMS from Fr Johan]
“Jesus is life, and life is movement. Life is moving towards the destiny of every person, a destiny in which our temporal state finds its final consummation with God. Human life is created to run towards God, to encounter death and become one with God … To know God is to be in union with God and to experience the mystery of his Divine Love. It is always springtime in the heart of a person who loves God.” [Br Martin: You are the Light]
“Know him to be enshrined within your heart always.
Truly there is nothing more to know in life.
Meditate and realize the world is filled
With the presence of God.
The true self (God) is hidden in the hearts of all.
Realize the self (God) in the depths of meditation –
The Lord of Love, the supreme reality
Who is the goal of all knowledge.”
[Shvetashvatara Upanishad: The River of God]
This was what I was missing in Buddhism, and what I had now found: the LOVE AT THE HEART OF THE TRINITY.
Becoming a Beloved Child of God
“You have seduced me, Lord,
and I have let myself be seduced;
You have overpowered me:
you were the stronger.
There is a fire burning in my heart,
the effort to restrain it wearied me …”
[Jeremiah 20:7,9]
The next step was to be confirmed as a Catholic. I sent out a newsletter to everybody on the mailing list notifying people of my change of religion. The response was varied. Some had seen it coming. Some were shocked. Some were happy and said: “The Buddhist lady has finally seen the Light!” Some were upset and felt betrayed that I was closing the Buddhist Centre down. Fortunately for me I have always had the courage to follow my heart, and do what I think is right at the time, no matter what other people think. I created a little Chapel and turned the Centre into an Interfaith Spiritual Retreat Centre. We had an opening ceremony and Fr Johan blessed the little Chapel. What a magical evening it was, with everyone sitting silently on cushions or chairs on a carpet of green grass, under our huge rubber tree which formed a canopy overhead with fairy lights interlaced through its branches, surrounded by nature and open space. The weather was unpredictable with some mist and the possibility of rain. But nature was kind to us, showering only a few drops right at the beginning, which Father Johan said was a blessing from heaven.
This little rain shower happened exactly when I started my speech. I was trying to remain calm and continue to deliver my speech, while on the inside I was frantically thinking what to do: Was the rain going to stop? Was it going to continue raining? Should we pack up and go inside? Everything had been so beautifully prepared outside. I carried on talking and in the middle of all this, I clearly heard the words: “This is my beloved child with whom I am well pleased.” These words were definitely not coming from me! Afterwards I told Fr Johan what had happened. I said to him: “I heard these words and you will never guess what they were!” He opened his mouth and said the exact words: “This is my beloved child with whom I am well pleased.” He said the words just came into his mind. I still didn’t believe what I had heard so I asked to hear them again for the 3rd time. A week later I was sitting on the beach staring at the ocean. A small cloud floated over and it started raining. “Drat” I thought, “I am going to get wet.” Again I heard the same words: “This is my beloved child with whom I am well pleased” for the 3rd time. Now I had to believe them. I knew without a doubt that I had done the right thing and God was pleased with me.
“I found him whom my soul loveth:
I held him and would not let him go.
You have stolen my heart.
I am my beloveds, and my beloved is mine.”
[Song of Songs 3:4; 4:9; 6:3]
“You have seduced me, Lord,
and I have let myself be seduced;
You have overpowered me:
you were the stronger.
There is a fire burning in my heart,
the effort to restrain it wearied me …”
[Jeremiah 20:7,9]
The next step was to be confirmed as a Catholic. I sent out a newsletter to everybody on the mailing list notifying people of my change of religion. The response was varied. Some had seen it coming. Some were shocked. Some were happy and said: “The Buddhist lady has finally seen the Light!” Some were upset and felt betrayed that I was closing the Buddhist Centre down. Fortunately for me I have always had the courage to follow my heart, and do what I think is right at the time, no matter what other people think. I created a little Chapel and turned the Centre into an Interfaith Spiritual Retreat Centre. We had an opening ceremony and Fr Johan blessed the little Chapel. What a magical evening it was, with everyone sitting silently on cushions or chairs on a carpet of green grass, under our huge rubber tree which formed a canopy overhead with fairy lights interlaced through its branches, surrounded by nature and open space. The weather was unpredictable with some mist and the possibility of rain. But nature was kind to us, showering only a few drops right at the beginning, which Father Johan said was a blessing from heaven.
This little rain shower happened exactly when I started my speech. I was trying to remain calm and continue to deliver my speech, while on the inside I was frantically thinking what to do: Was the rain going to stop? Was it going to continue raining? Should we pack up and go inside? Everything had been so beautifully prepared outside. I carried on talking and in the middle of all this, I clearly heard the words: “This is my beloved child with whom I am well pleased.” These words were definitely not coming from me! Afterwards I told Fr Johan what had happened. I said to him: “I heard these words and you will never guess what they were!” He opened his mouth and said the exact words: “This is my beloved child with whom I am well pleased.” He said the words just came into his mind. I still didn’t believe what I had heard so I asked to hear them again for the 3rd time. A week later I was sitting on the beach staring at the ocean. A small cloud floated over and it started raining. “Drat” I thought, “I am going to get wet.” Again I heard the same words: “This is my beloved child with whom I am well pleased” for the 3rd time. Now I had to believe them. I knew without a doubt that I had done the right thing and God was pleased with me.
“I found him whom my soul loveth:
I held him and would not let him go.
You have stolen my heart.
I am my beloveds, and my beloved is mine.”
[Song of Songs 3:4; 4:9; 6:3]
Benedictus Deus
“Give unto the Lord the glory due to His name;
worship the Lord in the beauty of His holiness.”
[Psalm 29:2]
God led me further to change the name of the Spiritual Centre to reflect its new orientation. The new name – BENEDICTUS DEUS Retreat Centre – was inspired by the Holy Spirit and means: “Blessed be God!” I have felt God’s hand guiding me every step of the way. Before I surrendered my life into God’s hands, there was a strong sense that “I” was “the doer” and the one trying to be in control of my life, both inner and outer. I understand that real transformation comes through the presence and action of the Holy Spirit becoming more alive and active within us, and not through “my will and efforts”. And thank God for that! My egotistical arrogance has been humbled and replaced by God’s guiding grace. Now God is at the center of my life: I have shifted from being self-centered to God-centered. Love has opened my heart to have more faith and to trust that God has a plan for my life and it is good: “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” [Jeremiah 29:11] I don’t have to do it on my own and what a relief that is! It is safe to surrender my life into God’s hands. St John said that perfect love casts out fear. Love is more powerful and it also lifts us above the Law of Karma, for against love there is no law: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” [Galatians 5:22]
Like anybody else, I experience the ups and downs of life, but there is a deep abiding contentment that I am where I am meant to be and I am doing what I am meant to be doing, namely, God’s work. I know that I am abiding within the will of God, and this fills me with peace and satisfaction. I have no need to seek and search anymore, for God is with me, and He makes His presence known to me in so many ways. He has showered me with gifts for the new Centre so that it may properly present itself as a Christian Retreat Centre. God has blessed my life abundantly, and I am so grateful that I listened to and followed His call upon my life. People who know me say that the change in me is remarkable: I have become softer, more joyful and more loving. I have been transformed by God’s Love and Beauty. I have been blessed, and it is my prayer that my life may be a source of blessing to others.
Leela Verity
BENEDICTUS DEUS Retreat Centre, Plettenberg Bay
www.benedictusdeus.com
“Give unto the Lord the glory due to His name;
worship the Lord in the beauty of His holiness.”
[Psalm 29:2]
God led me further to change the name of the Spiritual Centre to reflect its new orientation. The new name – BENEDICTUS DEUS Retreat Centre – was inspired by the Holy Spirit and means: “Blessed be God!” I have felt God’s hand guiding me every step of the way. Before I surrendered my life into God’s hands, there was a strong sense that “I” was “the doer” and the one trying to be in control of my life, both inner and outer. I understand that real transformation comes through the presence and action of the Holy Spirit becoming more alive and active within us, and not through “my will and efforts”. And thank God for that! My egotistical arrogance has been humbled and replaced by God’s guiding grace. Now God is at the center of my life: I have shifted from being self-centered to God-centered. Love has opened my heart to have more faith and to trust that God has a plan for my life and it is good: “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” [Jeremiah 29:11] I don’t have to do it on my own and what a relief that is! It is safe to surrender my life into God’s hands. St John said that perfect love casts out fear. Love is more powerful and it also lifts us above the Law of Karma, for against love there is no law: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” [Galatians 5:22]
Like anybody else, I experience the ups and downs of life, but there is a deep abiding contentment that I am where I am meant to be and I am doing what I am meant to be doing, namely, God’s work. I know that I am abiding within the will of God, and this fills me with peace and satisfaction. I have no need to seek and search anymore, for God is with me, and He makes His presence known to me in so many ways. He has showered me with gifts for the new Centre so that it may properly present itself as a Christian Retreat Centre. God has blessed my life abundantly, and I am so grateful that I listened to and followed His call upon my life. People who know me say that the change in me is remarkable: I have become softer, more joyful and more loving. I have been transformed by God’s Love and Beauty. I have been blessed, and it is my prayer that my life may be a source of blessing to others.
Leela Verity
BENEDICTUS DEUS Retreat Centre, Plettenberg Bay
www.benedictusdeus.com
My Story (above):
Transformed by Love and Beauty, my Journey back to God
appears in the e-book:
CARRIED IN LOVE, TRANSFORMED BY BEAUTY
by FATHER JOHAN STRYDOM
Kindle Edition ISBN: 978-0-620-61993-6
I hope to publish the Full Story within the near future.
CARRIED IN LOVE, TRANSFORMED BY BEAUTY is spiritual guide for life and helps to understand the meaning and purpose of life, love, suffering and death. Through personal experiences and the insights of psychology, theology and scripture a way to finding true life and happiness is shared. Deep personal suffering can be transformed into beauty and love, and discovering the presence of the Divine Lover and Beloved leads to the experience of being loved and loving. Insights into how to overcome depression, adversity, cultural and sexual challenges, and fulfill deep personal needs in a materialistic society are shared. This book explores what life on earth is ultimately about. We are born for heaven!
"The quest for love forms the basis for all human desire and striving. We originate from infinite love, and only love can fulfill us: the fullness of love is our destiny ... We are born into the school of love, which is the gift of life itself. Instead of becoming blind to beauty and lame in walking the way of love, we can become beacons of light and have hearts aflame with love. [from the Introduction to CARRIED IN LOVE] = LOVE-LY <3
Transformed by Love and Beauty, my Journey back to God
appears in the e-book:
CARRIED IN LOVE, TRANSFORMED BY BEAUTY
by FATHER JOHAN STRYDOM
Kindle Edition ISBN: 978-0-620-61993-6
I hope to publish the Full Story within the near future.
CARRIED IN LOVE, TRANSFORMED BY BEAUTY is spiritual guide for life and helps to understand the meaning and purpose of life, love, suffering and death. Through personal experiences and the insights of psychology, theology and scripture a way to finding true life and happiness is shared. Deep personal suffering can be transformed into beauty and love, and discovering the presence of the Divine Lover and Beloved leads to the experience of being loved and loving. Insights into how to overcome depression, adversity, cultural and sexual challenges, and fulfill deep personal needs in a materialistic society are shared. This book explores what life on earth is ultimately about. We are born for heaven!
"The quest for love forms the basis for all human desire and striving. We originate from infinite love, and only love can fulfill us: the fullness of love is our destiny ... We are born into the school of love, which is the gift of life itself. Instead of becoming blind to beauty and lame in walking the way of love, we can become beacons of light and have hearts aflame with love. [from the Introduction to CARRIED IN LOVE] = LOVE-LY <3
|
Chorus:
Though I may not know the answers I can finally say I am free. If the questions led me here then I am who I was born to be ... |
When I was a child
I could see the wind in the trees and I heard a song in the breeze it was there singing out my name. But I'm not a girl anymore I've known the taste of defeat I've finally grown to believe it will all come around again. Chorus ... So here am I, open arms and ready to stand I've got the world in my hands And it feels like my turn to fly. Chorus ... When I was a child there were flowers that bloomed in the night unafraid to take in the light unashamed to have braved the dark. Chorus ... I AM WHO I WAS BORN TO BE |
You shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you;
and you shall be witnesses to me to the end of the earth. [Acts 1:8]
and you shall be witnesses to me to the end of the earth. [Acts 1:8]